The Trouble with Lying

When you tell one lie, it leads to another
So you tell two lies to cover each other
Then you tell three lies and, oh brother
You’re in trouble up to your ears!
So you tell four lies to try to protect you
Then you tell five lies so folks won’t suspect you
Then you tell six lies and you’ll collect
A life filled with worries and fears
‘Cause you can’t remember how many lies you’ve told
And half the things you say aren’t true
And sometime you’ll slip up, you’ll trip up and then
Whatever will become of you?
So you lie and lie without even trying
And each lie you tell will keep multiplying
‘Till the whole wide world will know you’re lying
Then you’ll be
Suspected
Detected
Rejected
Neglected
Disliked
And you should!
When you lie, you’re closing the door
On everything good

I remember this song, mostly becasue it had always applied to me. The Church of Latter DAt Saints meant it as a PSA to keep kids from lying. I always was kind of fond of the little jingle. I guess the message was lost on me. Here I am now, 31 years old, and I still lie to pretty much everyone around me, and fucking effortlessly too. I will admit, its more to strangers and people I have just met than to my family and friends..... but still...

I guess Im just a liar at heart. Thats why I am such shit, and hate myself. Im going to try to be more truthful.... which means hurting some people.... probably to the point in which they will never speak to me again. Tarnishing my reputation and making me an asshole in the eyes of many internet friends.

Sad thing is, some of these people are better than my real life friends... what have I done?

Neil Gaiman knocks on my door.....

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman


I had to put this up.... its such truth, its like a fucking prime number. Its the skeleton of love in words.... thanks Neil... you fucked me up a little with this one.

Redemption

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
George EliotEnglish novelist (1819 - 1880)

For a long imte, I've been feeling like I'm in a rut, like I'll never be able to amount to more than I am now. That thought it kind of depressing, becuase it means there is no where for me to go but down.

I cant handle the thought of being less than what I am now, because currently I'm underpaid, tired, unhappy and pretty much convinced I am a total waste. Yes, I can provide for my family what we need, but Im not a fucking chinese dirt farmer (No offense to chinese dirt farmers), I should be able to provide what we WANT as well.

A lot of this stems from the fact that my dumbass brother, whom I love dearly, seems to be able to buy whatever fucking toy catches his interest of the moment, while I subsist on what I got.
OK, so dont cry for me, Im certainly not living in poverty, but why dont I get to have a giant screen projector TV, and a boat, and all the other assorted crap that this kid gets to buy. Couple that with the fact that none of it is cared for, and when it breaks (and it always does), he just buys some more shit to fill his place with. Oh and thats the best part.... he has a "mortgage" with my mother. Which means he pays her when he feels like it, and if he misses a few months, no big deal. While I had to get a mortgage from a bank, and if I miss a few payments, well, the bank comes and takes my house away. Sweet. Still, I cant complain, because I was given my house for waaaaaay below market value. I should be grateful. Right? Even though Im the one trying to raise a family, and stays out of trouble. Im the one that does the right thing time and time again.

Whats my reward.... self satisfaction? Fuck that. I want the door prizes. I want to be able to fuck up and steal money, get arrested, get in fights, and still have everything handed to me. But thats not me. I hate taking from my family. I fucking hate it. Therein lies my problem. I want it all, and I dont.

But I digress....

I saw the above quote, and it gave me a glimmer of hope.... maybe its not too late for me to be what I might have been. Maybe I'm not wasted potential like I always have thought. Perhaps there is a chance for redemption after all, and I can reap the rewards of being a basically good person.

Or maybe nice guys do finish last, and Im wasting my time not murdering people.

Taking Time off from Obsessions

I have a problem. I get obsessed with things very easily, and I devote all my time to one thing, until I find something else to be obsessed about. Its like every few weeks, Im doing something new. Heres a brief rundown of my latest obsessions.

Nicaragua
Halo 2 MLG
Spriting
MSN Chat
Zombies
Freerunning
Game Design
Comic Writing
Music Creation
Kite Surfing

Okay, thats in the last 6 months.... I jump around to each. I trained my ass off for the MLG Tourney in Halo 2, only to not go. I started writing again, hoping to work with a published artist, only to drop the ball and never complete my script. The I spent the better part of a few weeks cruising the game design circuit. Then on to spriting for MUGEN for a few months. Then searching for Freerunning stuff, then comic collecting, then back to spriting, and on and on and on.

Do I have ADD or something? Its fucking up my work, because I'd rather be chatting all day than to be doing my work. Its a miracle I havent been fired yet. I think I need to stop this shit, and get my head straight before I can even think about getting back to any of it.

No more MSN, no more spriting, no more finding new shit to obsess over. My wife hates it. No surprise there. She hates almost everything I do. Yet she does nothing? Unless you count reading and Su Doku. Props to her for raising the kid though.

My new obsession should be shutting the fuck up, and finding out who I am, being honest with myself and those around me. Hey, at least Im sticking to the blog this time around..... right?

The Big Cosmic Joke... but not funny when its on you.

So, this guy I know knows this girl.... and she is super cool and perfect and blah blah blah. So one day he's talking to her via internet message service x and she is drunk as shit, and on her webcam, and telling him how hot and horny she is and making herself and him crazy. Playing with her tits, talking dirty, telling him how she wants to fuck the shit out him and that she has never wanted to fuck a guy so bad in her life. He's losing it, knowing this is a girl he can never physically touch or have a relationship with becasue of location and other mitigating factors. So he cries and bitches about it to me and I dont care, because I have my own problems. I cant help this guy out, I dont know what to tell him.... fuck it, just stop talking to her, its a waste of time and energy... or go for it, keep tortuing yourself because eventually it will pay off.... I know Im lying if I tell him thats the way to go. Maybe its all just a joke...a big fucking joke on him, and he'll never get it. Does anyone ever get it? Isnt that what life is, a big joke? A joke, and you never find the punchline.

You can say anything you want when you talk to yourself...

How many blogs are there in the world? How many people sit in front of a computer and type away about crap either no one cares about, or that no one reads. I feel like my blog falls into the latter catagory. No one reads this. I can type whatever I want here, free of reprocussions. Here watch.

I frequently masturbate to beheading videos and fantasize about raping nuns.

Sometimes I pick up hitch hikers..... I wont disclose what part of the woods I drop them off in.

I like to swindle the elderly and use the money on hookers.

Sometimes I give tabs of acid inside a grilled cheese sandwich to homeless people.

I enjoy peeping on my neighbors when they have sex, or when he beats his wife. Either way I smile.

Kidnapping is more fun than murder, mostly because it involves brainwashing and isnt as messy.


Okay, so none of that shit is true (or is it?), but the fact that I can just put it up on the internet and someone may read it is kinda cool, but with all the other blogs full of crap out there... well, the chances are slim that anyone will actually find this stuff. If you do, please leave a comment.

Especially if you want to be kidnapped.