Redemption

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
George EliotEnglish novelist (1819 - 1880)

For a long imte, I've been feeling like I'm in a rut, like I'll never be able to amount to more than I am now. That thought it kind of depressing, becuase it means there is no where for me to go but down.

I cant handle the thought of being less than what I am now, because currently I'm underpaid, tired, unhappy and pretty much convinced I am a total waste. Yes, I can provide for my family what we need, but Im not a fucking chinese dirt farmer (No offense to chinese dirt farmers), I should be able to provide what we WANT as well.

A lot of this stems from the fact that my dumbass brother, whom I love dearly, seems to be able to buy whatever fucking toy catches his interest of the moment, while I subsist on what I got.
OK, so dont cry for me, Im certainly not living in poverty, but why dont I get to have a giant screen projector TV, and a boat, and all the other assorted crap that this kid gets to buy. Couple that with the fact that none of it is cared for, and when it breaks (and it always does), he just buys some more shit to fill his place with. Oh and thats the best part.... he has a "mortgage" with my mother. Which means he pays her when he feels like it, and if he misses a few months, no big deal. While I had to get a mortgage from a bank, and if I miss a few payments, well, the bank comes and takes my house away. Sweet. Still, I cant complain, because I was given my house for waaaaaay below market value. I should be grateful. Right? Even though Im the one trying to raise a family, and stays out of trouble. Im the one that does the right thing time and time again.

Whats my reward.... self satisfaction? Fuck that. I want the door prizes. I want to be able to fuck up and steal money, get arrested, get in fights, and still have everything handed to me. But thats not me. I hate taking from my family. I fucking hate it. Therein lies my problem. I want it all, and I dont.

But I digress....

I saw the above quote, and it gave me a glimmer of hope.... maybe its not too late for me to be what I might have been. Maybe I'm not wasted potential like I always have thought. Perhaps there is a chance for redemption after all, and I can reap the rewards of being a basically good person.

Or maybe nice guys do finish last, and Im wasting my time not murdering people.