Dreams dont just die...reality murders them.

Here I am, and its been almost 10m years since I went to Video Game school. I dont remember much of it, and the video game aspect was really there so they could get your money and then tell you that they are just going to teach you animation. Fuckers.

I just read an article about how game design is becoming readily available at a number of schools across the country... when I wanted in, there was Digipen, and maybe 2 others in the world. I read this article and think, "fuck me, this is what I want to do and Im not doing it." Sure, there are the side projects, and the endless scribblings in the notebooks. I spent part of yesterday reading them, and there is some good stuff in there. I think I'm going to put everything up on the web, just so I know its there if someone wants to read it. Personally, I doubt anyone will, seeing as how I dont think a single person has visited this blog. Still, I will know, and much like this lonely blog, it will be there should someone stumble upon it.

I read that article and I almost fucking cried. I almost cried. I just wish I could have it all, the family, the job and the love of games. I took my kids to the mega jumbo arcade thats local, and I didnt play a single game. I hellped my 2 year old daughter play. She didnt want to leave. She is her fathers child. She beat the first 2 opponents on VF4....... I was so proud. She danced pn the DDR mat and people thought she was so cute. Its moments like those that keep me here, that keep me from running away. I may never get ot be a game disigner, but I still have my dream... and with any luck, I can pass that dream onto my kids a nd maybe one of them will flip through dad's old notebooks and make one of my ideas a reality. Wishful thinking.

Misery doesnt love company..it loves misery.

So my wife found out I was posting bullshit on the internet on personal ads. Would I have met those people? Maybe.... but I doubt it. Do I really have time to meet people anyway...

Anyway, Im getting an opportunity to get out of my marriage, take the kids and leave kinda thing.... Should I take it... isnt this what I wanted, a clean break, a chance to do my own thing. Yet part of me feels guilty about it. Like I should give my marriage a chance. I will to. One more year to fix this mess of my life. To make it into what I need. With my life so short, and so many missed or passed opportunities..... I just cant do it anymore. So one more year.... and then Im calling it quits. By then the house will be more sellable, the kids a bit older, and the money thing sorted out. She can take 75% of it, and I'll supply her with suitable alimony and child support. I will cover my end. Im not a complete scumbag.

Why didnt I just say I didnt love her, and let that be that all those many years ago when she was drunk and crying in my lap in a field? Or when she was drunk and fucked that guy.... the guy I hate but still have to be cordial to for appearances sake, Why didnt I just call it off and say fuck it?

My head hurts.... I feel guilty and fucking human. I hate life.

Who am I?

Well, the whole truthful thing didnt happen, I guess I was just lying to myself about that...

My depression is coming back, albiet in smaller controllable fits. It weird how I can love my family and resent them at the same time. This life I have built keeps me from living the life I want. Its my prison. Now more than ever I am struggling with my identity.... who the fuck am I?

I look back and there is no clear definition. Who in my life 10 years ago remembers who I am? Have I left any kind of mark or legacy?

With so many people out there doing so many things, I feel like the ultimate man in the middle, lost amongst everything, easily dissmissed and forgotten. I have yet to do anything of substance, and Im figuring I never will, nothing positive at least. I still want to go to Australia... just me alone, and see what happens. 10 fucking dys in my life, is that too much to ask for?

Why is it wrong to want something for myself...something I dont have to share?

Oh yeah..and I may lose my job soon... hoo-fuckin'-ray.

Cancer, take me away....

The Trouble with Lying

When you tell one lie, it leads to another
So you tell two lies to cover each other
Then you tell three lies and, oh brother
You’re in trouble up to your ears!
So you tell four lies to try to protect you
Then you tell five lies so folks won’t suspect you
Then you tell six lies and you’ll collect
A life filled with worries and fears
‘Cause you can’t remember how many lies you’ve told
And half the things you say aren’t true
And sometime you’ll slip up, you’ll trip up and then
Whatever will become of you?
So you lie and lie without even trying
And each lie you tell will keep multiplying
‘Till the whole wide world will know you’re lying
Then you’ll be
Suspected
Detected
Rejected
Neglected
Disliked
And you should!
When you lie, you’re closing the door
On everything good

I remember this song, mostly becasue it had always applied to me. The Church of Latter DAt Saints meant it as a PSA to keep kids from lying. I always was kind of fond of the little jingle. I guess the message was lost on me. Here I am now, 31 years old, and I still lie to pretty much everyone around me, and fucking effortlessly too. I will admit, its more to strangers and people I have just met than to my family and friends..... but still...

I guess Im just a liar at heart. Thats why I am such shit, and hate myself. Im going to try to be more truthful.... which means hurting some people.... probably to the point in which they will never speak to me again. Tarnishing my reputation and making me an asshole in the eyes of many internet friends.

Sad thing is, some of these people are better than my real life friends... what have I done?

Neil Gaiman knocks on my door.....

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman


I had to put this up.... its such truth, its like a fucking prime number. Its the skeleton of love in words.... thanks Neil... you fucked me up a little with this one.

Redemption

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
George EliotEnglish novelist (1819 - 1880)

For a long imte, I've been feeling like I'm in a rut, like I'll never be able to amount to more than I am now. That thought it kind of depressing, becuase it means there is no where for me to go but down.

I cant handle the thought of being less than what I am now, because currently I'm underpaid, tired, unhappy and pretty much convinced I am a total waste. Yes, I can provide for my family what we need, but Im not a fucking chinese dirt farmer (No offense to chinese dirt farmers), I should be able to provide what we WANT as well.

A lot of this stems from the fact that my dumbass brother, whom I love dearly, seems to be able to buy whatever fucking toy catches his interest of the moment, while I subsist on what I got.
OK, so dont cry for me, Im certainly not living in poverty, but why dont I get to have a giant screen projector TV, and a boat, and all the other assorted crap that this kid gets to buy. Couple that with the fact that none of it is cared for, and when it breaks (and it always does), he just buys some more shit to fill his place with. Oh and thats the best part.... he has a "mortgage" with my mother. Which means he pays her when he feels like it, and if he misses a few months, no big deal. While I had to get a mortgage from a bank, and if I miss a few payments, well, the bank comes and takes my house away. Sweet. Still, I cant complain, because I was given my house for waaaaaay below market value. I should be grateful. Right? Even though Im the one trying to raise a family, and stays out of trouble. Im the one that does the right thing time and time again.

Whats my reward.... self satisfaction? Fuck that. I want the door prizes. I want to be able to fuck up and steal money, get arrested, get in fights, and still have everything handed to me. But thats not me. I hate taking from my family. I fucking hate it. Therein lies my problem. I want it all, and I dont.

But I digress....

I saw the above quote, and it gave me a glimmer of hope.... maybe its not too late for me to be what I might have been. Maybe I'm not wasted potential like I always have thought. Perhaps there is a chance for redemption after all, and I can reap the rewards of being a basically good person.

Or maybe nice guys do finish last, and Im wasting my time not murdering people.

Taking Time off from Obsessions

I have a problem. I get obsessed with things very easily, and I devote all my time to one thing, until I find something else to be obsessed about. Its like every few weeks, Im doing something new. Heres a brief rundown of my latest obsessions.

Nicaragua
Halo 2 MLG
Spriting
MSN Chat
Zombies
Freerunning
Game Design
Comic Writing
Music Creation
Kite Surfing

Okay, thats in the last 6 months.... I jump around to each. I trained my ass off for the MLG Tourney in Halo 2, only to not go. I started writing again, hoping to work with a published artist, only to drop the ball and never complete my script. The I spent the better part of a few weeks cruising the game design circuit. Then on to spriting for MUGEN for a few months. Then searching for Freerunning stuff, then comic collecting, then back to spriting, and on and on and on.

Do I have ADD or something? Its fucking up my work, because I'd rather be chatting all day than to be doing my work. Its a miracle I havent been fired yet. I think I need to stop this shit, and get my head straight before I can even think about getting back to any of it.

No more MSN, no more spriting, no more finding new shit to obsess over. My wife hates it. No surprise there. She hates almost everything I do. Yet she does nothing? Unless you count reading and Su Doku. Props to her for raising the kid though.

My new obsession should be shutting the fuck up, and finding out who I am, being honest with myself and those around me. Hey, at least Im sticking to the blog this time around..... right?

The Big Cosmic Joke... but not funny when its on you.

So, this guy I know knows this girl.... and she is super cool and perfect and blah blah blah. So one day he's talking to her via internet message service x and she is drunk as shit, and on her webcam, and telling him how hot and horny she is and making herself and him crazy. Playing with her tits, talking dirty, telling him how she wants to fuck the shit out him and that she has never wanted to fuck a guy so bad in her life. He's losing it, knowing this is a girl he can never physically touch or have a relationship with becasue of location and other mitigating factors. So he cries and bitches about it to me and I dont care, because I have my own problems. I cant help this guy out, I dont know what to tell him.... fuck it, just stop talking to her, its a waste of time and energy... or go for it, keep tortuing yourself because eventually it will pay off.... I know Im lying if I tell him thats the way to go. Maybe its all just a joke...a big fucking joke on him, and he'll never get it. Does anyone ever get it? Isnt that what life is, a big joke? A joke, and you never find the punchline.