Coldplay + Depression = Madness

See my math up there? I cant stop listening to Coldplay..... but in my current state of unrest, It makes me want to jump in front of a train. Songs of love are only good if your heart isnt broken, not that mine is or anything, but it makes you feel like it is.

I still love it.

No end in sight.

Crushed

You ever wonder why they call it a crush? You know, that giddy little feeling of being smitten with someone else. You like them soooooo much you want to write their name in a spiral notebook a thousand times....

The dictionary defines this kind of thing like this:
Crush- Informal- A usually temporary infatuation.

More times than not, it actually ends up feeling like this:
Crush- To break, pound, or grind into small fragments or powder.

Thats how you feel when someone you crush on ends up with someone else. Even if youre just friends and there is no possiblity of romance, you still get fucked all to hell emotionally. Even when you actually are kinda happy for them, for finding someone.... you still wish them bad mojo.

A crush is a selfish thing. It serves no purpose other than to torture us most of the time. The worst part is, you usually know whats going to happen, but you fool yourself into thinking otherwise, and are actually surprised when it doesnt work out.

I dont thing a crush has anything to do with love either. A crush is not in the love family of emotions. I actually think its closer to obsession, in the greed family. Its about possession, not unity. There is no beauty in a crush.

Lesson learned, only not for the first time, and certainly not for the last.

Unhealthy Stress Management

I'm not good with dealing with my problems. I dont like to talk about them, and I dont enjoy having people know that I am feeling anything other than happiness. I bury my problems. Waaaaaaay down deep. Once buried, I can go about my life like nothing is wrong, like everything is good and well and fucking wonderful.There is only one problem with this method.... I am running out of room. My deep dark pit of hatred and anger is all filled up, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep my cool.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a pretty even tempered guy. Those unfortunate to know about my rage have dubbed it "Hulking Out". This is where I release all my anger and frustration at once, lose myself in a blind fit of fury, and basically destroy all control over my rational mind. I cant turn it off, and I cant control it.

I wish I could get all my pain off of my chest. Talk it out and let the people in my life know how I feel. Unfortunately, I know i will never do that. I'm feeling hopeless lately, like my life will just drift along at this pace and I will have not lived any of it, just existed through it. Time is against me. I know this, and yet I waste it every chance I get. I am not happy, and there is no one thing that makes me feel this way. Just an ever expanding list of complications, and situations that I have no idea how to deal with....

I feel like Im coming apart at the seams. I worry about losing my job, my family, my friends....
and at the same time, I just want to leave my whole life behind and start new.

You get one shot at life, its short and then its over. When you make mistakes, it doesnt just effect you, you effects all of those around you. People are interdependant, everyone lives intermingle, cause and effect on personal levels. So we are forced to live with those mistakes, like it or not. Starting over is hardly ever an option without damaging the social environment that surrounds you. Maybe thats why I am always feeling like shit. I know I cant do anything to fix my situation, and Im a prisoner of my own life.

So much for my 10 minute break idea....

Okay, So I admit it.

I fucked up.

I slacked off.

So what? You gonna do something about it bitch?

Thats what I thought... now sit down and shut up.... and of course, read on.

I figured I might as well start back up on my blog. I mean everyone has one, and if you dont, well then, what good are you. I know no one reads this thing, as I am just one blog in a sea of blogs. A drop in the bucket that is the mighty internet. But maybe my ramblings will be found by someone, and I will somehow touch thier soul and change the world.

Or a meteor will hit the earth, and all this electronic mumbo jumbo will be wiped out in one fell swoop. Not just my blog, but all fucking blogs. Every single bit of useless ranting, fanboy argument bullshit and porn will be gone. Oh yeah, and that other thing too, whats it called? Oh yeah, thats right, Life. No more life on the planet either. Except the roaches. And they will kill themselves, because there is no internet, and no porn and no blogs to read.

I am in a mood today for a reason that is neither rational nor in my power to change. My mind is all screwed up.

And I did none of this on my 10 minute break.